i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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