Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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