Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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