I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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