Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just forgot I was standing up.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
