just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
