I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
