I smell stomach acid.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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