We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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