I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
