I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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