Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This beer is not sobering me up at all
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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