I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
