the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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