Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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