got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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