i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
