1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
