So drunk, too bad you don't want this
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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