Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
