I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
