it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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