the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I am spending my child support on dildos
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
