He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
