Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
