Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
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