take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
