They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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