I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
