i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
