OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
