Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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