How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
