my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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