sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I want to fling myself into the sun
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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