Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
