first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
