did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
