paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
