Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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