I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you win again, gameday.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
