tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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