I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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