I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
