I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
