Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
