the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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