Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
