I checked into jail on foursquare
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
