I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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