I'm so fucking centered right now
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
