im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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