What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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