Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
