Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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