A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
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